Enlightenment, through three words.
The bubble bursts…………..
Pressure and guilt, that’s what I call a killer combination. They lead people to react in a variety of irrational ways, some crack and are never the same, others react and set things “right” and still others do nothing; just think, decide that they’ll change, “never again” they say and go about life in the same way. Unfortunately I belong to this third privileged bunch. Rather unfortunately, time eventually catches up to you and you can no longer run away. That’s when you crack.
Fate is cruel, isn’t it; I always thought I was destined for greatness and success, like my football team Liverpool. Everything seemed to be going so well until 6 months ago. Liverpool 2nd in the league, I was entering one of the best Universities in the world. I was supposed to start a new successful chapter of my life; Liverpool was supposed to win the League and then the bubble burst. Liverpool was losing; I was failing, losing hope. But the pressure and expectation doesn’t reduce, no sir, its going to make sure you crack this time, no more running for you.
It all started in 2002 just finishing my 5th year in grade school. I managed to get the shittiest grades in my life 69%; the rot though had started a year earlier 82% in my 4th grade finals. At that time I told myself never again; not those disappointed expressions on my parents faces ever again. Then I managed the aforementioned 5th grade shit. I tend to get very introspective at such moments, never one to broadcast my true opinions to the world. I thought and realized my failure was caused because I thought I was superior to the schooling system. Why was I superior, because I am a rich son of a bitch, hence I was destined for success, off course I was wrong. The bubble should have burst then. But I decided to run, join another school where everyone was rich, no more public education for me, no thank you. That’s when things started going wrong; I started performing again, top of my class 4 years straight. My arrogance had reached a new high. Now I thought I was the smartest bastard out there. I was going to do well on the boards regardless of what I did. Did I mention I was school head boy too? So in my self conceited estimation I was the smartest most competent kid out there, not to many people disabused me of this notion off course. Everyone I knew was too busy sucking my cock to realize where this was going to go. Apart from some old fart teachers, who cares about them I told myself. God, it felt so good. Then I fucked up my boards. People sniggered, still others consoled while I cried. This is when most people turn to religion, but I had given up on religion a long time ago.
You see when I was about 3 my pop got stomach cancer. Seeing someone you love fight cancer is an enlightening and inspiring experience. It’s other relative’s reaction that kills you. Seeing pity, fear and death in their eyes is scary. Seeing your grandmother pray for her son everyday while his condition worsens really makes you feel that God doesn't exist.
Sorry, where was I? So I had just fucked up my boards, this time there was no introspection. I just decided that it was a freak incident and went and joined my new IB school. Now do you see the recipe for disaster I was brewing? Instead of staying at home where my pop (yup, he survived cancer) could have set me right, I ran even further from home than before. Combining my arrogance with the relative freedom of the IB led to me becoming the current record holder for most number of classes bunked during the two-year course, 714 at last count. I got caught, warned, you know the usual, again I didn’t listen to the old fucking farts; I’m a dude, dude! On cue like a stage performance, I fucked up my IB’s, not badly mind you, but far below my actual “potential”. “Potential”, yes that’s the bane of my existence.
People always exclaimed over my abilities and prowess. “He’s a genius” they’d say and guess what, yup your right, I absolutely fucking loved it! People trust me, being smart and arrogant is the worst thing you can do to yourself, because you can see your decline as clear as day, you see the lost “potential” every day, every moment. That’s where the guilt comes in, eating away, pricking you till it bleeds you dry.
Sorry, I got sidetracked again. So I had just finished my IB’s and was going to start yet another new chapter in my life. By now I knew where I was going to end up, yes I am a bastard, but I am self-aware bastard. This is when I started to live life for the moment not for a successful future. You know what, I loved it! I was the life of every party I went for. Everyone loved me, everyone. Everyone likes the mad bastard.
Cracking is a very slow process, it takes eternity, I am joking; it takes hours at most. First the pressure overwhelms you, makes you lose hope. But being human you fight it, search for some light in your darkness, but you don’t find any, now that’s when the guilt hits and crushes you. That’s when you crack. Regret reaches a crescendo in your head and then silence………………… Interrupted by your roommate snoring, then perspective returns and you understand that your Fucked! It’s four in the morning. Your first lectures at 8, you think for a second, then say fuck it! I’ll go for the second one!
“Ignorance is bliss.” Now I understand.
And by the way, Never Bunk Class! Because it gives you time to think, look where that got me.
Irish
30th November 2009, 4.00 A.M.
